It happened about two years ago, when I still had no clue that I had Asperger. It was in the evening, just before going to bed. I was perfectly sober. I was brushing my teeth when something happening that can hardly be put into words.

I believe my identity, my I or me crashed. Shut down. Ceased existing. The phenomenon lasted only for a second, yet it was terrible beyond description.

During this 1 second, I felt void. Deprived of a mind. There was a squeezing feeling in my mind. Not physical. Mental. A brown squeezing feeling.

I was horrified and stumbled into bed. I grabbed my plush pets and forced myself to sleep. I stopped all thoughts, fearing the horror would return.

The feeling still comes back now and then, although less terrible. When it arises, I escape into scientific thinking.

If I didn’t know I was Asperger, I would be convinced that I was turning mad. Now I can blame it on Autism. I am still going to talk about it with my Psychiatrist. This is no fun. This is an extremely serious problem.

I hope this story can help somebody who goes through the same horrible mess. Get yourself help. And ignore the feeling the best you can.

I firmly recommend meditation as a short-term help. Just lay down, grab a plush pet and let your thoughts flow. Interestingly, that’s when I feel the safest. In that situation, the dark ideas stay at bay.